if he were English, he'd be ASBO'd

Separated at Birth: Graham Norton / Reese Witherspoon

Having worn the same pair of jeans to go out in for every party, nightclub, walk, pub, meeting or any other social / work event for the last six months, I have finally gone completely mad and bought two new pairs of trousers. Yes - two. They won't recognise me.

OK, neither well-rendered nor desperately clever... nonetheless...?

A quick "thank you" to TopMan for selling trousers too big for mincing, half-starved fauxmosexuals. It's not just that shopping repulses me. I need baggy trousers for real men who don't want to look like a fat nurse in stretch-fit jeans four sizes too small.

Tales of buckets, ravens and Dundee knees

There was an Old Man of Nantucket,
Who kept all his cash in a bucket,
His daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man -
And, as for the bucket, Nantucket.

###

There was an old man from Whitehaven,
Who danced the quadrille with a raven,
They said, "It's absurd,
To encourage that bird."
So they smashed the old man from Whitehaven

###

There was a young man from Dundee,
Who got stung on the knee by a wasp,
When askeds "Does it hurt?"
He said, "Not a bit!
He can do it again if he likes."

30 bras. One minute. One hand. Can he do it?

Another day, another dollar, another man trying to undo a bra with one hand...



You might wonder how someone who does this for a hobby gets enough practice to be any good. Dave Lister stole his mother's bras and put them on a chair to get he one-handed finger snap just right.

It's a good technique, that.

sandals? highways? don't try this anywhere.

The Grudge (I'm not ashamed to admit this) has unnerved me so much that I daren't go to sleep. I was so scared watching the damn film my skin went clammy and I started pissing sweat from my back.



Not the Buffy version, the original Japanese one. (Have you seen Dark Water? I barely made it through that with my sanity intact.)

Guns, girls n' gears

Frustratingly, when I was preparing my dinner I chucked half an apple in my bin instead of the salad bowl. I should stop sleeping on my side - my marbles are rolling out.



I also want to know why, given that pork pies with an egg in the middle are so much better than those without, are they so much harder to find? Yes, I'd have eaten three eggs today if I had found one, but that's only my problem - I live on my own.

The Matrix - running on Windows XP

I have a rotten hangover - it hurts right in my brain tail. At least I'm not trapped here:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

cyborg dance

On the robot theme, here are some people dancing like robots. Not "robot" like me, suffering terribly from white man's hip, but on purpose - like robots.


Click the picture to be taken to the video on the Guardian website. (I bet OMNIZERO.2 goes wild for this.)

wrestling robots

This is a video from the 2006 Robo-One championships. The little red chap kicking ass (40cm tall, weighs in at 4.2 pounds) is OMNIZERO.2, feared by 40cm tall 4.2-pound wrestling robots the world over. A little Joe Calzaghe with a really solid chin. Who wrestles.



This is real Greco-Roman mano-a-mano competition. Not only is there no WWE-style panto fakery, the robots are fighting butt-naked. (Imagine if Undertaker and Earthquake were to... actually, I'd rather not go there.)

commentwatch: arseholes, racists and other bigots

The British National Party recently embarrassed the UK Independence Party (UKIP) with an offer of alliance. An ensuing opinion piece in the Guardian drew the comment below.

I don’t know what is more offensive - the sentiments expressed or the English so ponderous it makes me look like a freewheelin’ prose poet. Either way, amade’s put-down is a treat.

NB. Readers looking for information about xenophobic and bigoted organisations which are entirely unlike UKIP might be interested in the following websites:

• The National Front
• The British National Party
  
• The Ku Klux Klan
• The UK Independence Party
  

BlackBuck :: Nov 09 08, 3:38pm

Mr Mitchell is an amusing and clever writer,of that there is no doubt. However, in this rather impish article that is comparatively short by journalistic mores he raises many points and perceptions that should and will be challenged. The tenor of many of these comments validates that sentiment, I believe.

When in doubt, I usually go onto the Internet to try to establish facts and figures and with respect to some of the assertions and innuendo expressed both in the article and the resultant comments my search has been most illuminating. Let me make just a few observations.

Having accessed both the UKIP and the BNP websites I find that they sit, according to “ALEXA”, at opposite ends of the popularity spectrum. UKIP’s site rankings are hovering around the millionth most visited whereas the BNP’s site is the most visited of ANY British political party, being at an impressive fifty odd thousandth. Further investigation shows that the UKIP membership is reduced to approximately 6,000, less than half of the BNP.

The other sites that I visited, Labour, Conservative, Lib Dem et al, were boring, dull and dreadfully old hat compared to the BNP site. Small wonder then that “arseholes” and others prefer to get their facts and news from the BNP.

Further rummaging has convinced me that far from demonstrating naivety on the part of the BNP approach to the UKIP, they have shown a degree of wicked cunning by introducing a political fox into the hen house that, I would lay money on, will cause many more disaffected UKIPers to move their allegiance to the BNP.

UKIP had a truly remarkable result in the recent Nuneaton and Tamworth by election by polling just EIGHT votes! How could this be, I thought, when one requires TEN signatures on ones nomination papers. However, further inquiries reveal that in 2005 at some Scottish by election they got into The Guinness Book of Records by polling just FOUR votes. Let’s now acknowledge the fact that the UKIP is a busted flush, finished, wound up…This Parrot is DEAD!

amade :: Nov 09 08, 3:46pm

@BlackBuck

Small wonder then that “arseholes” and others prefer to get their facts and news from the BNP.

Here, I’ve fixed that for you:

Small wonder then that arseholes, racists and other assorted bigots and morons prefer to get their ridiculous prejudices confirmed and their fascist propaganda and racist lies from the BNP