if he were English, he'd be ASBO'd

Separated at Birth: Graham Norton / Reese Witherspoon

Having worn the same pair of jeans to go out in for every party, nightclub, walk, pub, meeting or any other social / work event for the last six months, I have finally gone completely mad and bought two new pairs of trousers. Yes - two. They won't recognise me.

OK, neither well-rendered nor desperately clever... nonetheless...?

A quick "thank you" to TopMan for selling trousers too big for mincing, half-starved fauxmosexuals. It's not just that shopping repulses me. I need baggy trousers for real men who don't want to look like a fat nurse in stretch-fit jeans four sizes too small.

Tales of buckets, ravens and Dundee knees

There was an Old Man of Nantucket,
Who kept all his cash in a bucket,
His daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man -
And, as for the bucket, Nantucket.

###

There was an old man from Whitehaven,
Who danced the quadrille with a raven,
They said, "It's absurd,
To encourage that bird."
So they smashed the old man from Whitehaven

###

There was a young man from Dundee,
Who got stung on the knee by a wasp,
When askeds "Does it hurt?"
He said, "Not a bit!
He can do it again if he likes."

30 bras. One minute. One hand. Can he do it?

Another day, another dollar, another man trying to undo a bra with one hand...



You might wonder how someone who does this for a hobby gets enough practice to be any good. Dave Lister stole his mother's bras and put them on a chair to get he one-handed finger snap just right.

It's a good technique, that.

sandals? highways? don't try this anywhere.

The Grudge (I'm not ashamed to admit this) has unnerved me so much that I daren't go to sleep. I was so scared watching the damn film my skin went clammy and I started pissing sweat from my back.



Not the Buffy version, the original Japanese one. (Have you seen Dark Water? I barely made it through that with my sanity intact.)

Guns, girls n' gears

Frustratingly, when I was preparing my dinner I chucked half an apple in my bin instead of the salad bowl. I should stop sleeping on my side - my marbles are rolling out.



I also want to know why, given that pork pies with an egg in the middle are so much better than those without, are they so much harder to find? Yes, I'd have eaten three eggs today if I had found one, but that's only my problem - I live on my own.

The Matrix - running on Windows XP

I have a rotten hangover - it hurts right in my brain tail. At least I'm not trapped here:

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